Gender Based Violence: “A narrative of Power”
From an emotional angle, Gender-based violence is a personal narrative of sex and gender, but it is a narrative of power from a practical standpoint. When abuse and love collide, sacrifices are made, and consequences are drastic. I have never been a puppet of love, but l was a slave of it. I only discovered this after l ended a relationship that was sugarcoated by pain and violence; l then reached a point where l was questioning my sense of “power”, and l believe this has happened to most girls in college. This is my story, my voice and my experience.
The first year at college is always characterized by bliss and excitement from Jupiter, and we often have the power within ourselves to choose what we want to achieve for the rest of the year. Often we are taken by events that somehow change our plan and how we see things. I was that girl who had so much fire and power within my sense of autonomy. When he came into my life, l was ready to share the joy l had and the curiosity to explore what college offers. From what l experienced, violence based on gender is a process that starts with a snap and ends by the blow. It always begins as manipulation and manifestation of emotional pain. It began as a rough phrase and a critical approach to life. Most girls do not accept this initial phrase because of denial. What denial does is that it corrupts our sense of realization. I could have ended it during this initial phase, but l was questioning my power within. “No .. this cannot be happening to me, probably he didn’t mean it, or maybe l did something wrong. The power within us is disturbed when personal security is threatened.
After bargaining and realizing that it is not a biggie, we often lose ourselves by giving the guy power over us. College life is a good lie. I usually see me in almost all the girls, and we want to belong and maintain a particular lifestyle. Sometimes it might not be about a lifestyle; it might be the negative reinforcement of love and romance that we have conditioned ourselves to as young ladies. What others might call abuse, we might call love, a complicated gesture. I looked at the mirror every day, and l could not recognize what l be if l left him. What would people say if l got back to the streets? These are questions that remain unanswered to every victim of gender-based violence. Most people think that you walk out of the relationship, yet you no longer have power over yourself and the decisions you have to make.
The last stage is when you have accepted the violence and now see it as usual. There is a difference between power over yourself and power of yourself. Gender-based violence drains all the power you have as a person. This last stage is when you think you do not have any strength to make your own choices or decisions. You want to consult him on every little detail of your life. I remember going to his house every Sunday before final semester examinations because l felt like he should know what l was and why l would not be available during the two weeks. Most girls on campus go through this, and they tolerate abuse until they have no power left over themselves.
When we want to intervene, the mistake that we make is that we think violence based on gender is a man beating a woman. I would categorize that as assault, but Gender-Based Violence is violence intended on someone solely because of their gender. My boyfriend would emotionally and physically violate me, not because l did some wrong but because he thinks he is superior as a man and that l am weak, giving him the right to go that route. Sometimes we assume that victims of gender-based violence are not aware that there are being violated, but fear plays a critical role in accepting help. I usually call fear “the witch of the society”.
Being a victim of gender-based violence causes fear, and when you are afraid, you lose faith in yourself and what you can provide. Three significant reasons cause fear: the opinion of others, lack of knowledge about GBV and past failures. Fear makes us think that change is undesirable, and we imagine the worse every time we think of doing things differently and having someone different.
As a survivor of gender-based violence, l think interventions should start at a micro level; before we even talk about having GBV policies at campus, we need to begin with the empowerment and renewal of the mind. Trust me, no one can convince a victim of gender-based violence to leave a toxic relationship until they gather the last power they have to end it. I have figured that most victims know that they are in a dangerous relationship but they might not understand why it matters. I used to ask myself, “what do l have to lose if l just stick around a bit , maybe he will change..” but l didn’t know that l was losing my power within, of and over myself.
The most effective way l have seen work is to integrate the conversation around GBV in different discussions. Contextualizing and localization of gender-based violence is easier to conduct and host the space. Imagine talking about GBV and service delivery, GBV and religion, GBV and education. At my college, instead of having separate rooms to talk about GBV, we would start having the discussion in our class and using that as examples. Also, making use of consortium helps enforce the strengthening of leaving no one behind in the fight against GBV. The creation of a consortium helps end the stigma of being a victim of gender-based violence.
Also, linking Gender and Based Violence and mental health is a very critical step. Since l believe that GBV is a narrative power, you are pruned to mental illness when you lose control because you cannot cope with what is going on. Hence, you give in. Giving in is usually a sign of losing your power, and this is critical because you no longer have the strength to fight and choose yourself against all odds.
Above all, the gospel of self-love should be at the centre of GBV response. Often we do not teach girls to be Proactive but rather to be reactive and respond to societal pressure. I think it is vital to equip the girls more with the necessary skills to love themselves, be happy about themselves, and be comfortable in their skin and what they afford. Matters of the heart can be tricky, but it is imperative to restore “power” in someone else’s life when responding to gender-based violence issues.
Lastly, gender-based violence is not a 16 days issue only, but it is a 365days issue; hence the solution lies in our collective strength to denounce gender Based violence and restore POWER!!!
